The Ecstatic Awakening that Changed my Life
A personal story about the asymmetrical growth of my Self, and where it started.
Through this article, I want you to know me deeper. To connect with me at the level of the soul. To do that, I must become fully vulnerable. I will expose my hardships, my victories, and myself. That’s the energy I will put into this post.
What brought me to Day 0
There has been a day when everything changed. Yet everything stayed the same. I call this day, day 0. It was in September 2018.
At that time, I was living in Bordeaux (France) and already made big decisions about my life’s path. I decided to quit my stable high-paying job as an Engineer one year before. And my 7-year love relationship had been terminated half a year before.
This summer of 2018 was chaos because I decided to drop all the rigid structures that prevented me from expanding. I felt deep inside that a strong energy wanted to be expressed, yet I did not know why. But I mostly followed my intuition, all the time. And today, I know why.
It has not been easy, to follow my intuition. And I had built a strong, heavy protective armour around myself since childhood. To prevent myself from being hurt, I created a hyper-rationalised fortress that turned me into someone insensitive and carefree (the opposite of what I was as a child).
Yet, I was engaged with friends and life, partying, travelling, and getting jobs, but it all happened on the surface of a flat, grey self.
I felt like I mastered the game of self-realisation. I reached a state where nothing could hurt me, I would never get angry, I would never be sad, and I would never feel negative emotions again. (I cried only once in seven years at that point). I was proud of myself for being there. I bet you already guessed what’s next.
What I did not see at this time:
My compulsive partying behaviour was masking my deep insecurities.
I had a porn addiction, that I have not labelled this way until relatively recently, and this was also playing a protective role for my soul not to feel the hurtful stuff, it was a cocoon in which I could hide myself when life was tough.
I was unable to feel the higher emotions, and that was the cost of numbing myself from feeling the negative ones.
Well, something happened that led me to this Day 0, after a wild summer, September 2018 welcomed me with the most intense, powerful and irrational experience I have ever had.
The ecstatic awakening
This day, I was with the three closest friends I had at that time. My flatmate of the past two years, and two friends I met six months earlier. They were the people with whom I felt the most deeply connected.
We were having a week-end in the beautiful nature of Dordogne, rock-climbing and enjoying the end of the summer, celebrating the departure of the two of them who stayed only for half a year in France. One was soon leaving for Germany, and the other for Japan.
These friends have been the key elements of my heart opening. It has happened progressively through the summer. I was falling in love again. Yet, having all these psychological protective mechanisms in place, I could not act upon it.
With one of them, I have been able to talk about myself, my emotions, and my most hidden parts, and that was the first person in my life who would not only accept these parts but ask me more and more insistently to express them.
I was, for the first time, being vulnerable.
This provoked one big episode, that happened in August 2018, one month before Day 0. I was in a café, one morning, with this friend. And all of a sudden, while I was talking about my family, tears came flowing, a deep sadness and many other emotions came to the surface. After seven years of calmness, the valves had been opened, and water ran again freely in the rivers of myself. I cried for ten to fifteen minutes, there were a dozen other persons around. It was not rational. Yet, I felt better than I ever felt after this episode. A lightness that I never experienced.
It happened again the days after that, I cried spontaneously while talking to this friend. And little by little the gates of my heart were opening themselves. I let it happen because I wanted to feel this peace and lightness I felt in this café. I made a decision to let myself cry, to welcome ALL those emotions, I knew it was right.
So, what happened on this Day 0, in Dordogne? I will tell you as I lived it, so you can feel what I felt, and read what I thought:
I was sitting on the terrace of the house with my three good friends. My flatmate went to the house to make a lemonade. I started talking to my other friends and letting them know how sad I was to see them leave soon, far, for a long time. At this moment, tears uncontrollably ran down my eyes, the sadness had found a way to come through again, and it flowed very intensely. My flatmate came back, and I went to hide in the house (at that time I was not able to be fully vulnerable in front of him).
I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, crying my heart out. It was painful and beautiful at the same time. I knew it was the most beautiful thing that could happen to me. While I was staring at my wet eyes in the mirror, I had a strong incentive to keep that stare for as long as possible. I felt my body and my face autonomously getting closer to the mirror. I went deeper and deeper into the blue of my eyes, reflecting all the pain and the joy that were able to flow again from my heart. I did not recognise my face anymore, it was the strangest feeling.
After ten minutes, I was not crying anymore, I went to my friends. And the ecstasy thing happened next.
I was sitting on the bed, two of my friends were there. And I started telling them what made me cry. The fact that they were leaving, was hard for me to accept. And while talking, of course, tears came running down my eyes again. And again it was intense. I was talking and crying. They were listening and witnessing.
But this time, the cries really intensified. I started feeling vibrations in my hands and in my teeth. These subtle vibrations were getting stronger, and grew through my body, from my hands to my arms, and from my teeth to my whole face.
As I was crying, I felt I was entering a state of ecstasy. It felt like a spiritual orgasm, quite similar to a sexual orgasm, but infinite. I could keep the intensity rising by my sole intention. I was doing so, it felt so good.
I closed my eyes, I stopped talking and I raised my vibrations consciously. My arms naturally reached up above my head, and the vibrations were flowing from my body upward, in a frenetic tornado-like ascension. I knew I was liberating myself from all the energy I kept trapped in the past 20+ years. I let it happen.
I let it happen, up until a certain stage. When the orgasm felt really strong, I realised that I could not move my arms anymore. They became paralysed, fully. That scared me a lot. So, I opened my eyes. I was stupefied. I saw my two hands standing twenty centimetres apart from each other. Yet, when I had my eyes closed, I was 100% sure my two hands were pressing each other very strongly, I was undoubtedly feeling the touch of my skin and the pressure of each hand on the other.
My mind was blown. 🤯
At this moment, only the friend with whom I was the most vulnerable stayed. He witnessed everything. And when I told him that my arms were paralysed, he freaked out too.
I decided to stop the intentional rising of my “orgasmic energy” and start calming down. I sat on the bed, with my feet on the floor. And I concentrated on my arms, trying to move them. For fifteen minutes, I could not move a finger. I could not move my shoulders, my arms would stay up there and not respond to me. I was still feeling the strong vibrations in them, and they were slowly decreasing in intensity.
After fifteen minutes, I was able to move my fingers. And another thing blew my mind away: I was feeling the scratch of one finger on the other hand while my hands were still twenty centimetres apart. “What is happening??” I did not understand.
With time, the paralysis stopped, and I was able to move. I was “playing” with this sensation between my two hands. Scratching my other hand at a distance. It was fun. At that moment, my friend asked me something: “Are you a god?” He was shocked.
The year after that, I drew something that illustrates this day:
After that day, what changed?
From that day, I started seeking answers, I wanted to know myself better. First, I wanted to know what happened, then I was on a journey to explore the infinite possibilities of my Self.
For years, I have been looking for the right teachers, the books, the conferences and documentaries that would bring me closer to those answers. It has helped a lot, yet there was the risk to get sucked into the path of a never-ending spiritual craving.
My intuition was to keep moving, keep learning, and never stay stuck in one philosophy or another. Taking what I felt was mine, and leaving the rest. In the spiral of my consciousness development, I did not want to stay stuck at some level, I wanted to rise.
And like a funnel, I went from very mainstream, largely available resources, to a more private, customised help. I started asking for help from guides, and therapists. I found the mentor that most resonated with my path, in November 2020. He is still my coach today. In parallel, I have been experiencing a powerful IFS therapy session that healed a deeply rooted wound. I had sessions with a Jungian psychologist to understand and heal my uncontrolled compulsive anger bursts, in 2021.
All of that became more and more effective with time passing because I started knowing what I needed.
Then, it has been growth and healing, mixed together. And it is still non-linear, and unexpected. But even in the unknown, you can have a deep sense of knowing. That’s the shift. You deeply know that you are creating your reality, and the more you connect to that knowing, the more trust you can have in yourself, and the more faith in what is unfolding.
In the second part of this article, I go into more detail about the growth that happened after Day 0. I share the most relevant events and processes that have brought me to where I am now.
If you read until here, thank you. We probably resonate at some level. I am welcoming you to connect with me. Book a free 1:1 meeting to have a real conversation.
One more thing.
While I was about to publish this article, I felt that I needed to schedule it for the day after, Saturday. So I clicked on “Scheduling”, and I thought about what time would be best. 11 AM seemed right, for some reason, I typed 11:11. And then, I saw that tomorrow’s date is 11/11/2023.
This is called a synchronicity. And when you allow yourself to see them, they come all the time into your life, showing you what’s right. You are on the right path.