The Seemingly Chaotic Journey to Completeness
Deep inner work, finding myself, healing the roots, becoming complete.
In this article, I will share with you the ups and downs of my spiritual growth and Self-mastery. It was a chaotic unfolding, and that’s what it is meant to be.
If you did not read the first part, I invite you to start here: The Non-linear Path to Authenticity: Part 1
The first trap in healing, self-development and personal transformation work, is to think that it is linear. That belief sets us up for disappointment and frustration. If you are there, use this opportunity to feel the painful emotions.
One of the key takeaways in my journey was the balance of Commitment and Surrendering. You stay open to any new sign, or opportunity to grow and heal, while staying committed long enough (or deeply enough) to one method, one vision. So you can feel the transformation.
The two self-sabotage patterns that come over and over again are:
Quitting when you are about to experience true transformation.
Not quitting when what you are doing is leading nowhere.
And the core reason why we do that is that parts of us don’t want to heal, to change, to grow. Because that would mean “death” for those parts.
Imagine you are enlightened and already complete, what role could play this part of you that is used to complain and deliver hate thoughts toward external situations? Would your inner victim be useful in a Self that’s at peace and awakened?
Those parts are keeping you where you are.
Can you connect to this version of yourself that is already where you want to be? Fulfilled, at peace, wealthy, loving and loved, etc… The stronger you can keep this image in mind, the more your inner parts will understand where you are heading. And you’ll still need to face the pain of many ego deaths on the way. Living through that while being connected to your highest Self is the fastest way to wholeness.
After Day 0, my heart was fully open
In the previous article, I described in detail the events that led to the beginning of my spiritual quest. One day, I lived through this irrational ecstatic crisis, a tornado of energy filled my body. It was like a waterfall breaking a 20-year-old dam. The torrents of my emotions flooded me. It was painful, yet I never felt so alive.
This heart-opening crisis has led to the most magnificent encounters and situations in the next months. One month after Day 0, I met the woman who was to become the mother of my children and the wife who shares my life. This meeting was magical. All stars conspired for us to meet, and we felt the love of the whole universe submerging our bodies while we engaged in what seemed an endless conversation that lasted 6 hours. It seemed like our souls already knew each other for lifetimes. We just needed to discover that at this precise moment.
This meeting, this falling in love, was unexpected. Before that, I had decided to not enter a relationship for at least a year because I wanted to be free and travel. She said to me the same after we kissed for the first time. The Universe had other plans for us.
Seeking answers wherever life leads me
Even though I was in love, and this magical energy stayed strongly alive in me for years, my heart had also been open to less comfortable emotions. I was crying a lot at that time, months and months after my crisis, anything would be a trigger to all the wounded parts of my inner self.
I saw those repetitive crying crises as a healing of my soul. My childhood has been traumatic, I’ve been denying everything up until I was 25. After the emotions came back to the surface, I just intuitively knew it was for the best. No reason to build another dam now. I can feel it ALL.
I started seeking answers. What happened to me when I became paralysed during this ecstatic event? How to deal with all those emotions? How to heal myself deeply and fully? How to become whole?
I found a lot of answers in largely available resources, like books, conferences, and podcasts. Among those resources, there was Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now), Mooji Baba (Jamaican guru), Carl Jung (I read all his works in 2020), some French authors like Thomas d’Ansembourg and Frédéric Lenoir. Some of their videos/books opened my eyes to new perspectives.
While those resources were helpful at that time, if I had kept delving into them longer, I would have been stuck at that level of growth and consciousness. Instead, those discoveries brought me to finer and finer guides and teachings. Acting like a funnel, those outer signs were guiding me towards or more unique experience, for myself.
Between 2018 and 2020, a series of events and learnings led me to meet my current mentor, Ti0, who guides and coaches people to become superconscious. This meeting has been a turning point in my self-development, as I began to do the proper work to heal and transform myself. It was focused on me, what I needed. And with the help of my mentor, I started digging deeper into my Self. I started finding who I am, what I really want and what was unconsciously holding me back from all that.
The real work began
As I started meeting in a group of 5-6 people with my mentor, we were sharing our perspectives on consciousness, and Ti0 was guiding us to see and act on our unconscious tendencies. Seeing what others were going through and getting personalised guidance on my life challenges was priceless.
At that time, my first boy was born. I suffered from deep depressive episodes from October 2020 to May 2021. They came unannounced. And amid those depressive feelings, an uncontrollable anger was taking control of me every time I was triggered by my baby. I was sharing those events in the group, we met once a week. This helped a lot. At this time of my life, I went through the Dark Night of my Soul. I felt alone, yet I had guides and signs helping me on the way. I came through and found treasures that I could take back from the abysses of myself.
That was the possibility of my power and my authenticity reclaimed.
Since November 2020, this deep work has been a guiding star, it never ends, and it will never end. That’s a powerful tool that I got in my case to face anything life throws at me and reach any goal I set for myself.
I wrote for myself the number one goal I have in life:
I am committed to becoming whole, integrating my unconscious and being fully my Self.
Key elements of the (deep) work
When you start working on yourself, you can’t predict what will come up. You just know you must explore yourself deep down because there is so much to see, heal and transform. You came to realise that you are not fully conscious as an individual. You know you are not in control of yourself. You want to master your Self and awaken your Spirit. That’s what the work is meant to help you with.
Here are some important things to know about the work:
You can’t do it alone. I’ve been there, we all think at some point that riding our way as a lone ranger will be more efficient than seeking help from others. It’s not. You just turn in rounds, thinking that you go forward. Seeking help and guidance from those who already walked the way is a sign of wisdom. And we live on this beautiful planet with seven billion other humans, there must be some value in our interactions and our inter-dependency.
You will want to quit, more than once. The deep work, in essence, is meant to trigger the most uncomfortable parts of you. It will awaken the inner critic, the complaining wounded teenager in you. If you identify too much with those parts, you may decide that all this energy spent in healing and growing is worthless. You’ll make the unconscious decision to quit. They win, you lose.
You must accept ALL your emotions. A fundamental requisite for the work is to allow and accept everything that comes up. We work to integrate the shadow, not suppress it further down. The more you let your shadow know that you can listen, to feel compassion for yourself, the more they will harmoniously be integrated into your whole Self. You can learn temporary coping mechanisms to avoid destructive results out of strong emotions, but you can’t avoid them forever.
Be open to new ways of understanding yourself. You may have very strong views of yourself. “I am shy, that’s who I am”, “I am not a good father and will never be”,… Those thoughts create a self-image. The way you see yourself matters and if you are not open to change, the work won’t help you further. Internal boundaries are needed, for you to create higher standards, be connected to your core values, and see yourself as the person who already is that ideal Self.
You can do the work WHILE living your usual life. For the past 3 years, I have built my own web business, I saw the birth of my two boys, we travelled through Europe by car 10 times, and I’ve created a market garden near Tallinn, the capital city of Estonia. All those achievements and events are happening. The deep work is using everyday life events as a playground to help you awaken. There is no need to live as a hermit. The deep work is right here, right now. You can use life’s challenges as trigger points to accelerate the integration of your lost inner parts.
Those points are my key takeaway from the past 3,5 years of deep inner work I engaged in. The three constants in this work are pain, uncertainty and constant effort. They are part of the reality of life. Accept them, and you can thrive.
Activate your higher frequencies
Delving in the past and healing your traumas won’t make you complete. You are a majestic tree, with deep strong roots and long branches reaching to the sky. While paying attention to the roots and healing the rotten ones is needed, you also need to grow your branches and reach higher.
What does it look like to reach your branches higher? It’s being connected to your higher Self. It is feeling excitement, joy, peace and love in everything you do. It is being connected to this trust, this infinite confidence that you are here at the right place, at the right time. You know you can deal with everything life presents to you.
That’s where I am now. I am learning how to maintain and nurture those higher frequencies. Those vibrations are even physical, I feel them in the tip of my fingers while I am typing this article. Some people call it flow, or channelling from the Source. It is a state of complete security that all that is done is the right thing.
How do I maintain this state? I pay attention to it. When I fall back into lower emotions, fear, doubt or anger, I remind myself that I also am the higher emotions. I can consciously blend them, so the lower emotions are brought to the sky by the magnetism of the higher ones. It acts like a tornado that uproots all the sick unconscious programs and beliefs that keep me stuck at my current level of growth.
And when the lower emotions get stronger? Lean into it. Accept them fully, feel them fully, go through them entirely, and rise again on the other side. Those lower frequencies also have treasures hidden behind their swampy looks. Go get them when the opportunity presents itself! I wrote a text about this metaphor here: Lean into the Abysses
Thank you for reading this article. In the next part, I will share specific transformative moments of my work, and the work I do with my clients. It will give you a better idea of what is possible when you engage in this way.
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